Parent Guilt

The Guilt That Comes With Love: Let’s Talk About Mom (and Dad) Guilt

Becoming a parent is epic. You create this tiny human, and suddenly the responsibility for nurturing their whole being is in your hands—with very little instruction manual.

And while social media and parenting books may offer advice, they often add to the pressure with “shoulds” and unrealistic ideals.

Even with all my pediatric training, I felt so unprepared when I brought Wren home. And just like every other parent, I ran into all the doubts and comparisons. So here are a few common guilt triggers and the gentle reframes that helped me:

Becoming a parent.

The day I became a mom was a day I thought would never come, and we were so happy! Besides having a perfect little munchkin, I was finally getting the chance to practice what I preached and test all the advice I’ve given over the years, and I was very quickly humbled.

Guilt Trigger #1: Breastfeeding Didn’t Come Naturally

I’m a pediatrician and lactation consultant, and I still struggled. Our second night in the hospital, I offered Wren formula. I felt so guilty.

What helped:
Set a six-week goal. Go all-in with lactation support, pumping, supplements — then reassess. At that point, you’ll know you did everything you could. And wherever you land — breast, bottle, both — a fed baby is the best baby. Let go of the guilt.

Guilt Trigger #2: Co-Sleeping

Sometimes the only way we got any rest was by holding our newborn while she slept. I hear from many parents who sheepishly admit they co-sleep.

What helped:
As a pediatrician, I can’t recommend co-sleeping due to the risks. But as a mom, I’ve done it. If you do, make it as safe as possible: no extra pillows, blankets, or people in the bed. If you’ve made a choice based on your reality and your baby’s needs, give yourself grace.

Guilt Trigger #3: Going Back to Work

Leaving Wren with her amazing babysitter while I cared for other people’s kids was tough. Pumping during hospital shifts only made me feel the distance more.

What helped:
I love my work. And I’m proud to show my daughter what it looks like to care, to provide, and to pursue purpose. I make our time together count and protect a few non-negotiables—like family dinners or 20 minutes of one-on-one time each day. “Balance” might be a myth, but intention is not.

Guilt Trigger #4: Feeling Like I’m Not Doing Enough

From screen time to skipped books to impatience — guilt creeps in easily. And it’s compounded by the idea that we should “enjoy every moment.”

What helps (and what I’m still working on):

• Schedule Wren-only time on my calendar and keep it sacred.
• Set screen time as something earned (e.g., help clean up, read books).
• Leave work at work (as much as I can!).
• Set small daily goals, like reading 3 books or sitting together at a meal.

The funny thing is I know exactly what to do. I read the books, I’ve trained on all of these topics, I keep learning and training myself on these topics, because it’s important to me as a parent and a Pediatrician to help myself and other parents navigate all these challenges. So I know I know the things and I know we’re actually doing a really good job 90% of the time … it’s just a wonder my brain highlights the 10% of things that could be better and makes me feel bad about it.

Rewiring the Guilt Narrative

Here’s what I’ve come to realize: Guilt isn’t a signal that we’re failing. It’s a sign that we care deeply. But when it becomes the dominant voice, it’s time to challenge it.

Most guilt starts with a thought like:

• “I should’ve done better.”
• “I’m not doing enough.”
• “I’m messing this up.”

These thoughts are optional. Try replacing them with:

• “I’m learning every day.”
• “I’m doing the best I can with what I have.”
• “I love my child deeply, and that matters most.”

Let’s Ditch the “Shoulds”

One big red flag: the word “should.”
It’s often loaded with shame and external expectations. There is no one right way to parent. Ask yourself: “Would I say this to my best friend?” If the answer is no, don’t say it to yourself either.

Parenting is tough enough without being our own worst critics. Let’s practice treating ourselves with the same kindness we give our kids.

You’re Not Alone

The more I open up, the more I hear from other parents:
We all feel this. And we all need reminders that we’re enough, we’re trying, and we’re doing better than we think.

Thank you for letting me share this journey with you. We’re all still growing — just like our kids. If you ever want to talk through the tough stuff, we’re here. Always.

With so much aloha,
Dr. Waipa